I have been seeing this guy for a few months we have a really great connection, he says that he likes me a lot. We’ve talked about our future and our families and have gotten pretty personal. The only thing is, I can go for quite a while not hearing from him. It really bums me out. I feel like I have to text first or wait for him which is so spaced out that it’s hard to know where he stands. I feel like it’s keeping me from moving on, but at the same time I really think that we could be amazing together and I don’t want to give up on something that may simply take time. Should I keep getting together with him?
I. Feel. You. I have been there. In order to get to the root of this we have to understand how the masculine and feminine interact with each other. Once we understand this we can determine whether it is a healthy connection or not. No one individual is entirely masculine or feminine but overall you will probably be more one than the other.
The masculine and feminine in a nutshell
First off, the masculine and feminine can be balanced or imbalanced. In a balanced connection the masculine seeks to be received, while the feminine looks to receive. The masculine offers structure, anchors, and holds space for the feminine to expand and blossom. The feminine is the receiver; she nurtures, softens, adds depth to the masculine and connects him to his purpose. In short, they both crave each other.
In the dating process, the balanced masculine will pursue the feminine. He will bring out his best qualities to show her that he can hold space for her and support her. It is his desire to get her to open up to him so that they can move into a deeper connection. He wants to hold space and support her because feeling her comfort and beauty gives him life; growing together gives him purpose and depth. The feminine will slowly open herself up, only fully giving herself when she feels safe and secure within the relationship. She wants to emotionally connect, nurture, and bring the masculine to his soul.
In an imbalanced connection the craving for energy is still there, however the only difference is how they go about receiving it. The masculine will still crave emotional and physical nurturing from the feminine. The feminine will still crave the feeling of support and adoration from the masculine. However, because they are imbalanced they will not be able to fully offer themselves to one another. The masculine will seek emotional and sexual fulfillment without offering commitment while the feminine will seek support and adoration without fully letting the masculine in. The balanced masculine will not lead the feminine on. He will not try to manipulate experiencing her nurturing behavior through sexual intimacy. The balanced feminine will not seduce a man or use her sexuality as a way to gain security and be provided for. These imbalances occur because there are emotional traumas that are not allowing each party to be vulnerable. True intimacy requires consistent vulnerability between both parties.
So, when relating to a potential partner it can be helpful to make sure that the connection is coming from the right place. As the feminine, it is important to make sure that you are looking to genuinely surrender yourself to the masculine and grow together. Your motivations should not be to feel more secure or gain confidence from being desired. As the masculine, you must be willing to offer some level of structure and security if you expect the feminine to behave in a balanced way towards you.
Let’s get to the bottom of your situation!
Now that we have an understanding of the dynamic between the masculine and feminine, it is clear that you feel this man is not offering you any structure or support despite the fact that you’re letting him in. He is not matching your level of openness with the appropriate level of commitment and attention.
How you should handle this situation is not my call— but if it were, I would stop investing time, thoughts and emotions in this individual. He is not providing you with the level of connection that you need. This means that there is a good possibility he wants to get feminine attention without providing you with commitment, time, and clarity. Not good enough.
If you doubt this and feel like things are simply moving slow, I would suggest asking him what his intentions are. Ask him where he sees this relationship going in the next few months. Don’t ask him in a bossy, threatening, and crazy-eyed way. Rather, ask in an authentic, caring, but firm way. Ain’t no body got time to mess around in limbo all day. Limbo in relationships is just a dark shadow where frustration and resentment grow to the point where there isn’t anything left worth trying for.
Speak with him in person, without him knowing beforehand, as you want an authentic response. Look to his body language and facial expressions. Tune into your gut for the answers more than his words. Everything you need to know will show in the moments he responding to your concerns, you just have to be open enough to feel it and brave enough to accept whatever comes forward.
If the idea of having a talk like this makes you feel demanding or anxious about losing him, this is an indicator that you are not valuing yourself enough. It may be time to ask yourself why you feel you don’t deserve to be committed to.
Are you too available?
Now that we have had “the talk” it is time to have the inner talk. What is happening inside of you that you may be experiencing through this relationship? First off, it is not demanding or silly of you to want a man to pursue you. It is something that you deserve and it is exciting and romantic for both parties. Know that you deserve to be openly desired and continuously loved and cared for, no matter what.
That said, do check in and make sure you are not making yourself too available, which is a red flag for the masculine as it can indicate that you may eventually become overly dependent or unstable. The masculine will instinctively be repelled if the feminine opens herself to him too soon. It is the feminine’s job to control the pace of opening and bonding. This pace in turn must resonate with the masculine for him to continue pursing.
Sometimes we look to relationships to distract or fulfill us when we really should be focused on ourselves. Perhaps we feel we are not good enough, which makes us settle for less by becoming too accessible. Men will become distant if they sense this. Hell, not men, people. People will distance themselves from relationships if they feel the person is coming from the wrong place.
Men are strongly attracted to women who value themselves.
Women who value themselves invest in themselves regularly and are committed to creating a life of purpose and joy with or without a relationship. They do not feel a relationship is going to complete them. They don’t obsess over the idea of having a relationship nor do avoid having a relationship. These are the women who have to beat men off with a stick, and it has nothing to do with their physical appearance. Men strongly desire this type of woman because it indicates she has gotten to a place of emotional and mental maturity. She is looking for a genuine partner in life as opposed to someone who will exploit his ability to support and provide. The masculine needs to have a strong sense of purpose in his life beyond his bond with the feminine or his family, and he will be inspired when he see’s that reflected in a woman. Genuinely being busy with your life means the man is called to rise into his full potential. You become a challenge and he has the opportunity to become a better man by trying to win your heart. The masculine ultimately wants to be inspired into a better version of himself through the pursuit of a woman.
When the feminine is balanced it provides the masculine with a subtle feeling that she is unavailable. This unavailability will fuel the masculine to pursue her beyond dating and well into marriage. It seems he can never quite fully have all of her, as she always keeps a part of herself for her, therefore creating chemistry and rebirth within the relationship. Of course, the feminine must naturally be this way, and it must come from genuinely loving herself and her purpose on this planet. It cannot be faked. In fact, when relationships lose balance it is often because one of them has let go of their sense of purpose and has started to put too much pressure on their partner, creating too much co-dependency. There are lots of books that try to reverse engineer this natural cat and mouse between the masculine and feminine (Ahem, The Game by Neil Strauss and Why Men Love Bitches by Sheri Argov) but it cannot truly be done in the long-term unless it comes from self-love and respect.
Time to shift your vibes.
So, the best way to find balance here is to genuinely invest your time in your friends, work, school, hobbies, family, exercise, etc. It may seem hard if you have already imagined yourself having babies with this person, but, push through and find fulfillment in your own personal development and hobbies. The ability to do this shows the universe that you are genuinely looking to experience love, not a distraction, and you recognize that it starts with you. This will also give you a new perspective and put you in the exact vibration needed to meet someone who is on the same growth path as you. It is very possible that this unfulfilling relationship scenario has manifested to let you know that your attraction point is off and that you are not emotionally ready for a connection yet.
Also, pulling your energy back and re-investing in yourself will starve the relationship of energy and cause whatever true intentions are there to come to a head. This starvation will be sensed or noticed by the other partner triggering them to either back off or pursue harder. Their level of balance within their masculinity will become obvious. They will fade away as you are no longer receiving them and providing them with comfort and energy, signaling that they had no real intentions of a deep connection. Or, perhaps they begin to seriously pursue you, and then you have to discern whether or not this is something you genuinely want.
Note: Try not to use pulling away as a game though; you will just be back where you started.
Masculine and feminine reversals
There are relationships where the female pursues the male and goes on to take a more masculine role in the relationship. In this case the male resonates a bit more with traditionally female qualities and dynamics. This is a natural pairing that can and does work. However, because you desire to be pursued it, tells me that you are the feminine and will not feel comfortable being the initiator. In fact, the feminine will resent regularly being put in that position.
Are you a boss lady?
Women are taking more assertive roles in society, which can lead to confusion when it comes to relationships. It seems as though everything else can be together but when it comes love it gets all complicated. We as women have to be careful not to throw the baby out with the bath water, you don’t have to suppress your feminine and expand your inner masculine to be assertive. Genuine assertiveness comes from authentically honoring and valuing yourself. When you do that you will naturally rise to be assertive in situations that call for it yet still keep your vulnerability where it counts.
Daddy? Hellooo? Are you there?
(Wow, I am just covering all bases here. It’s getting Deep with a capital “D”.) It is also important to get into why we are attracted to men who are unavailable. Many times, oddly enough, we feel comfortable and safe with a man who is distant because our fathers were. In a way we are getting the masculine energy that “supports” us because we have attracted a man who gives us the same taste of masculine energy that we know. The basic reference point that we refer to innately is our fathers. The first step in healing this painful cycle is realizing we have it.
At the end of the day how you handle this is up to you. Know that you deserve a genuine relationship that allows you to relax a bit and grows you. If you are not getting that, hold off, do you, and know that it will come. Relationships will always mirror the relationship we have with ourselves, therefore the more we invest in loving ourselves, the faster it will come and the better it will be.
P.S. Don’t be shy! Share your experiences and views in the comments.