This is a love letter from a journey into the darkness. It rushed in like a cool breeze while I was in the sauna last night with Wolf (my roots, my rock, my soft place to land). I like to treat the sauna like a sweatlodge, the heat forces you to focus and relaxes your muscles until they release their secrets like steam from a pond after it meets the morning sun. Our muscles keep the records of our heart, they move and shape themselves in the exact way we feel. When you want to know what you need to heal, ask your muscles.
That night two parts of me were battling for the same space inside. One a sharp, mean general that felt it was protecting me from a harsh and unaccepting world, and the other, a vulnerable, delicate and loving, light that just wanted to shine.
Ironically “The General” was not protective at all, she was destructive under the guise of being protective. She was an archetype that rose from ancestral wounds that needed to be released, banished once and for all from this blood. Her pain was the continual execution of her emotional body, silenced emotions on top of silenced emotions, until she began to believe that the entire emotional body was a weakness instead of a pulsating ocean of wild cosmic grace. A deafening and cold loneliness followed her and made her susceptible to living lives that weren’t her own, taking lovers that couldn’t love her, and spending nights lost in dreams opening doors that lead to No-where. This ultimately created an angry magnetic pull that was always seeking it’s own combustion, an opportunity to start fresh and wake up. She began to believe that all communion with the stars and their keepers was a sure sign of insanity, only a mentally ill person would talk to beings that aren’t there. In order to feel secure she cut off her wings, wings that carried her beyond the veil to bring back higher versions of herself. Alas “The General” was born.
It is worth mentioning that these are also the collective wounds of a society gone blind. The General can live in all of us. Through denial of self we can become the exact tyrant we wish to protect ourselves from. The balancing point is to fall back into the very innocence that we feel we have lost, this time from a new perspective, like coming back home after a gruesome adventure just to realize it was alive in you all along.
The love letter unravelled this morning and goes as follows:
Your entire world is a direct manifestation of all parts of you, both healed and unhealed. Everything that you notice in life represents a story that is alive in you. There are no exceptions to this.
Where life is good, be grateful. Don’t gloss over what is working well for you or what you are good at. There is a tendency in life to want to place all of our focus on our problems perhaps we have an innocent belief that we need to focus mainly on what is not working for us to create balance. Maybe we feel like if we are not staring directly at it, we will miss an opportunity to fix it.
The truth of the matter is that we are not wired that way. We are wired as absolute creators where we place our energy expands into infinite strings of light; these stings of energy like the neurons and nadis our of our vast spiritual body, the circuitry of our soul. These pathways are the blueprints of our perception, these are the exact templates that we see in others and the circuitry that gives life to all manifestation in our world.
When we choose to only look at our circuitry that is damaged we begin to create continuous and compounding creations that allow us to viscerally experience these knots and blocks. These are painful dark experiences that allow us to feel the absence of light. This can be helpful in small amounts but we must allow the majority of our time to be spent in acknowledging our talents and achievements if we wish to have our life be one of continued expression of talents and achievement. This archetypal template that feeds our earthly plane is very simple in that way, it is us (perhaps our fear of our own light and power) that makes it complex.
Take time to feel the beauty of what is working in your life, acknowledge how far you have come. This will activate your sense of personal power and give you a balanced and grounded perspective. Sitting in loving acknowledgement of your own beauty and working capacities in this life ensures you can continue to grow in those areas.
Hold in the back of your mind a new mantra: There is no arrival, there is only the gentle and steady cultivation of an appreciative glow we can then cast upon everything in our lives. A glow that has the power to sprout the deepest seeds inside of us, even in places we have once believed to be lost or barren.
Remember that turbulent times are uncomfortable because they are a cross roads where two futures are knocking at your door, two aspects of yourself are battling for the same space and you can feel it. These paths/ archetypes can no longer co-exist and the more you set intentions to become better, the more this negative or fear based belief asks you to consciously cut it off. It cannot survive in the sweltering light of your radiant, expanding internal sun. It is time to let it go and grow the very part of you that it has been trying to silence.
Where you feel your life is not good, where there is the disconnected numbness of a blank space, pain, frustration, apparent lack of answers or wisdom- keep going. Keep healing. Don’t look down. You can re-write now what is not working without ever having to punish yourself with pain you already know all to well. You don’t need to control, or logically understand the imbalance that you feel. The devil on our shoulder will tell us this to keep us indoctrinated with our own pain, to keep us walking in the endless maze within our minds.
If we wish to enter a cycle of deep transformation we must know the point where we let go and allow in the mysterious light of transformation. We must surrender to it every tight muscle, every angry protective belief that has told us that it is protecting us when in reality it is keeping is small and limited. We do this knowing that parts of us will be washed away that we have been using and new aspects may rise that we have not felt in thousands of years. Parts of us may rise that we have not known yet in this body, gifts that have not shown themselves yet in this life, lights that have not spun in you for a thousand years.
You may be choked with the grief of injustices. You fear the release of these injustices is somehow actually their empowerment. You fear that when you are no longer looking they will get you when you are vulnerable, a repeat of their very inception within you. You can hear battle cries, yelling, you can feel the frustration, heat and pain as they rise. But, this surrender is not your surrender it is the death of the chaotic abusive reality that has let you believe you are not Divine. It is the transcendence of the battle into the silence that waits between your breath. Now, let all these fighting, violent, parts of you rise, see them for the unnecessary aspects that they are. And as you hold them in gentle acknowledgement…let go….surrender fully and deeply. Hold onto the void. Be willing to rest, empty and unrecognizable in the primordial heart beat of the unknown. Be willing to hold this space even when their ghosts rise like echoes in the hallways of an old castle. Just like we must affirm the good we must also not feed the monsters.
Keep opening and filling any voids with steady breath and a loving divine openness. Allow yourself to become the feminine presence that knows how to birth new life in any situation. The part of you that knows contractions are pain in resistance and pleasure in acceptance. This alchemical environment we create within us is creation itself and in its immense but quiet power it can transform anything placed in its womb. In this process we become everything all at once, and if we can breathe and stabilize in it’s presence, our highest path and newest self will emerge.
Release now the idea that we must control, understand and obsessively re-visit our pain. It is not our pain and darkest moments that we must continually invest in, it is our light. As creators we create in this moment from where we have invested our energy, so invest it wisely. Have the courage to know when to forge a new pattern in the face of an old one. We are conscious creators at the helm of an unimaginable level of power, you are not subject to ups and downs, ups and downs present themselves as an opportunity for alchemy, they have risen so you can release a part of you that is no longer needed. If we avoid this period of surrendered release, this return to the primordial womb, our lives will fall down around us until there is nothing left. Like a rabid wolverine we will destroy everything in our path until our life is so unbearable that we have no choice but to plunge ourselves, (now sliced, beaten, knotted, and exhausted) into this receptive healing light.
There is an opportunity in the acknowledgement of every shadow to become a lighter version of yourself. We do not choose light in resistance to our darkness. We do not choose light in suppression of our darkness. We do not choose light in spite of our darkness. We do not choose light because of our darkness. We choose light in the full bodied acknowledgement that we simply are not our darkness, we choose it because in our most accurate form we are light. If this were not true then joy would be sadness, and pain would be pleasure, all of our innate sensory experiences would be wrong. Your darkness exists only so that you may leave it behind and remember who you are. It exists to create the contrast to know your identity in this dense and distant world. There is an effortless path available to you where you can spend this life creating greater and greater contributions to this planet and in those contributions know your own beauty from different angles. You can transition to become a brighter and brighter light, increasing your capacity for love, rather than a back and forth battle with a darkness that is not real. Do not fear your light.
May you have the courage to rest in your own primordial womb so that you may be re-written by the cosmos. May you have the trust and faith to see the unknown as an opportunity to become the archetype for your own undiscovered beauty. May you have the clarity to know your darkness from your light. May you rise when you are called. And may you cultivate a love within yourself that feels like a warm summer morning.
Love (as always) from the dark velvet of the moon,